Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

It was my first sojourn abroad. I was excited as well as apprehensive about the long voyage to the other side of the globe. And I had to ask Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou? after the trip.

Toilet Rolls

I have lived all my life in India. The use of water for my morning ablutions and washing myself was as common as brushing my teeth every morning. Conversely, I had heard of the use of only tissue paper to wipe one’s ass after a long job. But nothing had prepared me for no water cleaning everywhere. I was shocked to see the rolls and rolls of tissue paper used in the loos at the airports or stacked at the homes!

Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

Save Paper

The west cries hoarse about Go green and saving trees. But when it comes to the excessive use of tissue paper to wipe the ass or the nose is humongous! Agreed that most of the tissue is recycled but can the wiped tissue that is flushed down the drain or thrown into the bin be recycled? (Ugh)The west mocks our use of water to clean our shit and boasts of being very hygienic while wiping theirs.

Paper is Money!

The global toilet paper industry is worth fifteen to twenty billion and is increasing day by day, and according to the most recent statistics available, the average American uses 57 sheets a day!

Once the era of relieving oneself in the fields or along the roadside was synonymous with a lota (Indian mug) of water to wash off oneself after a motion and leaving a natural deposit of manure behind! Now that sounds like saving our planet, doesn’t it? Before water, people were nifty enough to use anything at hand from moss to leaves, hay, and grass, corn cobs to even snow or just mud to clean themselves. Wonder what they did in places where there was only, cactus around! Now that would be one prickly ass indeed!

Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

Consequently,  the so-called high technology and modern Americans invented the toilet roll to wipe their bums. The rising prices of toilet rolls make one wonder if Americans would adopt money-saving measures before their economy flushes down the drain or the sales and marketing pitch would bring about a surge in the usage of small 2 ply tissue paper to the paper towels now being used in the kitchens!

Down the Ages

Once bathrooms were built in houses, a mug or a small bucket was used for washing the tush. At length, it was a bidet in affluent homes; at least that was a hands-off method- unload in one bowl and wash in the other. Next came contraptions like a jet spray that shoots water from a pipe in the toilet seat itself. Later,  an electronic toilet seat that dispenses sprays or jets of warm water and also air-dries the area. But my favourite is the handy health faucet that sprays like a hose, aim just where you want it. I believe that the person who invented it should be given a noble prize. It is such a boon for the ladies, especially during those days of the month; as it gives them freedom from staining their hands literally with blood.

Use Water

Overall, wiping the hands with a tissue after a meal can hardly be said to be clean and hygienic. Then how can wiping your anus with a tissue be hygienic! We use water to wash our car, dishes, take a shower to wash. But we reach out for a roll of paper to wipe our crappy crack in the butt! Washing would be a big help to the environment and easy on our pockets too. If only one could calculate how much every household in the west or even in high technology China, spent on paper rather than a jet spray ( or bum wash as many kids call it.).Am sure it would amount to a shitload of dollars!

Poop Talk

I shudder to think of how unclean and how much faeces must be left on the fingers and on the undergarments after cleaning with a tissue. This reminds me of my science teacher in school who randomly asked us in 8th grade in the Lab,” Where in this room would you find the largest amount of area?” We did not have an answer.  We were more than mildly scandalised when ma’am said in your panties as you do not wash yourselves after a pee. Then imagine the amount of crap left behind without a wash! ” There is no poop-y smell left in the underwear. No matter how much you scrub with a toilet paper, a residual smell is always left behind.”1

Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

The Americans’ use a tissue to clean everything. From a spill of food to the gooey leaking noses and even while munching on a burger. No wonder their bulging trash bags overflow and spill out. In this scenario, there are some like this fastidious friend of mine. He lives in the US yet refuses to ever use a tissue or even tin foil for that matter.

Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

Are you a washer or a wiper? Now you are the judge of which is better of the two. Most Americans’ would argue that the bum spray would shock their delicate asses with the cold water, but then they could always use hot water which they use for their dishes and clothes.

Judgement Day of Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

Try the finger experiment to check it out! Even with a thick tissue roll or thin, you could wipe yourself cleanly but the smell would surely linger. Sniff your fingers rather than the roses for a change!

My trip abroad was cut short due to my ailing back. And I was saved from being one of the dirty assholes, always wiping the bum. I was even contemplating using a tumbler from the sink to wash if I had to live there longer.

Eventually, I landed at the airport in India. And the sheer pleasure of washing myself in the washroom with the flow of water cascading down my behind, made me linger on for a few extra minutes!

Wiper? Washer? What Art Thou?

Do read this post on Why eating with your hands is delectable.

1. Quote courtesy Cleaneat