2021 My Year in Review

If 2020 was the happiest year in my life, 2021 was the most unusual and difficult year of my life. Last year my son and family were forced to stay for four and a half months due to the lockdown.ì had the good fortune of spending time with my son and grandsons. Ìt was as if the universe conspired to give me these magical moments.`the euphoria lasted even for a long time after they were gone. I welcomed the new year by zip lining. For me it was a milestone as ì am chicken for adventure sports.2021 My Year in Review is my heart and soul.

Medical Issues

Turn the page to 2021. It was as if all the medical conditions were bombarding me. My BP shot up suddenly and diabetes raised its ugly head. After getting jabbed the result was out-vitamin D and `vitamin B 12 deficiency. I don’t remember the last time ì had any physical ailments. As I suffer from chronic depression the physical weakness led to a severe depressive episode.I was struggling like a fish out of water, clutching at any straws that were available.ì have never felt more alone in my life. Ì have been living alone for 18 years now. I would rush to my brother’s or cousin’s.or even my aunt’s house Ain’t ì lucky to have so many options? No, as it was not helping me.

2021 My Year in Review

Depression and flight to Bangalore

It was as if the walls of my house were crashing over me  In this melieu my childhood sweetheart called. Listening to my trembling voice she invited me to Bangalore. Impulsively ì took up her offer and landed at her doorstep the next day. Ì had thought that a change of scene would do me good. `but alas, it was the jinxed 2021. I put her through the agony of bearing me for a week,I came back home and in a couple of days was going to Goa with my girl gang.

Escape to Goa

Ì set out on this maiden trip to the land of beaches with the conviction that ì would be refreshed and rejuvenated and the blues of the sea would wash away my days of blue.Ì tried to participate in all the activities.We were put up in a fancy private resort.One would think no depression monster would lurk in these magical environs.`but every morning ì would wake up in despair and bring down my anxiety with walking and deep breathing. 4 blissful days in Goa were spent in anxiety for me.

Blogchatter to the rescue

The rest of `March and April, Blogchatter’s activities was my savior. However depressed ì am, I am able to write and this is therapeutic indeed. It kept me active for a month. I got my first vaccine after days of urging me to do so. My son was relentless until ì got vaccinated. He was very happy when soon after ì got my second vaccine. I even got a booster before visiting my grandsons in Mexico.

2021 My Year in Review

My Daughter, my Lifeline

I was okay but still jittery.  My daughter’s visit in May.was my rainbow. For sure I would be fine when she is around.She did come but with her dog! I hated dogs and recoiled from them but Vodka forced me to fall in love with her. Esha was soon asked to shift base to Kolkata. This made me feel insecure and scared. I opted to join her and we all moved to Kolkata.Life was okay with Esha and Vodka but somehow the city didn’t feel welcome. Our torture ended in a month when Esha was asked  to move to Hyderabad.It was an unanimous sigh of relief. Hyderabad was like home.

We travelled in the train as we had to take Vodka along. I made a video call to my son to show the train to my grandsons. He was not at all happy with our mode of travel during the pandemic but I showed him how comfortable we were..

My Death Knell

After setting up home for Esha, I had thought of moving back home.But my world came crashing down when the news of my son passing away was conveyed.I was inconsolable and this was the last nail in the coffin of my depression.The death and of a child Is called the ultimate tragedy and rightly so. No other incident can be more devastating. I was going through the usual symptoms and stages of grief, But this grief gave me feelings of injustice .Where is the balance in life? Ì had lost my husband at a young age and ì felt that this loss was a nasty blow. While I was grieving

I vacillated  between excruciating pain, and numbness— a dichotomy that persists even now i.e 5 months later. Let me warn you that coping  with the death of a child is fathomless and cannot be expressed in words. Ìt is the toughest task in life. Parents and children have the strongest bond in the social hierarchy. Parenting basically centers around nurturing and providing for the child even after they have flown the nest. This part of parenting is snatched from you and gives you a feeling oof incompleteness.

2021 My Year in Review

Losing a child is Like Losing the Battle of Life

For a parent it is unnatural to mourn your child as parents think they will go first. Your child could be two or thirty two when they die but the emotion is the same .All grieving parents, especially the mothers lose a part of themselves.The search for meaning in a child’s death is important to parents. Parents seek answers and want to understand why their child was taken but there are no answers. Some parents drown themselves in faith and prayers.There is no guarantee that if  you lived your life as a good person, nothing bad would happen to you. The death of your child may make you rebellious and go against the common belief.This reaction is natural;  losing a child feels like losing the battle with life. 

Faith or no Faith

The search for the reason or logic in a child’s death is foremost for parents. Faith is a pillar of comfort for some parents, but for me, with religious beliefs, I feel betrayed and cheated by God. feeling betrayed by God. My dad used to say that if you lived your life as a good person, trying to make a positive change to the world, life would treat you well. Losing a child feels like the ultimate violation of the rules of life.

2021 My Year in Review

The Ultimate Tragedy

Surviving the death and loss of a child takes a commitment to life. You gave birth to your child and immediately saw a successful and happy future.  Now you have to find a new reason to live, however difficult or impossible it may seem. No doubt you will survive this trauma but you are going to be scarred forever.Among all the tragedies in life, the death of your child is known as the ultimate tragedy.Nothing can be more devastating. Parental bereavement is like a bottomless well. And parents hold themselves responsible for such deaths or blame it on the skewed law of nature. 

Grief and Coping

The early days of grieving are excruciating pain on one hand and total numbness on the other; a contradiction that may persist for months or years. Parents who have lost their beloved children say that they cease to exist anymore. Parents and their children have the most intimate and intense feelings. Once a couple has kids their whole world revolves around their education and giving them a good life.

A child’s death robs you of the ability to carry out your parenting role as you have imagined it to be. Parents may feel a sense of failure as they could not protect or care for their child.

Silence of the Tears

It must be remembered that bereaved parents can mourn the death and loss of a child of any age and that it feels unnatural to outlive a child. It does not make a difference whether your child is three or thirty-three when your son or daughter dies. The emotion is the same. Every bereaved parent may feel incomplete or lose a part of themselves.

The search for meaning in a child’s death is especially important to parents. An understanding of why and how death fits into the journey of your life is difficult to fathom. For some parents, their faith works as an antidote and they resign themselves to it. Losing a child feels like a loss of trust in the rules of life. Every individual has a different way of dealing with grief.There is no standard pattern.. How you grieve over the death and loss of a child and for how long will be different than for anyone else. Take your time and grieve in your own way.

Meaning of Death

It becomes all the more important to parents to know the meaning of the child’s death and the life beyond. Faith is a source of comfort for some but others with religious beliefs like me feel betrayed by God. A parent’s life needs a new dedication after surviving the death and loss of a dear one. You have to find a new goal in life, make a commitment to life. You will survive this but be prepared for the changes you will experience. I have aged more than ten years in 5 months.

2021 My Year in Review is an outpouring of my heart and Sou..The most difficult year.. I lost my son, medical issues and travel travails

My son lives on in my Grandsons

It is five months of grieving and I finally mustered up the courage to travel to the other end of the world to see my adorable grandsons. My flight was on 10th December Hyderabad to London, London to Dallas, and Dallas to Guadalajara. Ìt is a long haul but I was prepared or so I thought. Doable isn’t it? But nothing is simple or cut and dried in my life. This voyage was a tumultuous ride.

Travel Travails

Good trips are forgotten but bad trips The British Airways flight was delayed at Hyderabad itself. When we were reaching London, we were informed that we will miss the connecting flight. We had to stay overnight in London and catch a flight the next day. Trust my luck! Nothing is ever smooth and 2021 takes the cake. I was asked to take the shuttle from outside to the hotel. It sounded the easiest thing to do. I walked out of the terminal and kept walking for a good two kilometers before I reached the stop for the shuttle. It would arrive in 90 minutes, ì was told.

2021 My Year in Review

Brrrrrrr London

I was wearing a flimsy tee and a jacket and it was cold out there.90 minutes of shivering and ì was off to Hotel Renaissance Aurora. The hotel was comfortable and so was the dinner. After breakfast the next morning I again waited for the shuttle to the airport. It didn’t arrive. Another coach was arranged. At the check-in counter, I was given a boarding pass to Mexico City. Which wasn’t n my itinerary. Instead of American Airlines, I was again put on a British Airways flight. I was not given a boarding pass from Mexico City to Guadalajara.

Let me tell you that my baggage was booked from Hyderabad to Guadalajara. 

Hola Mexico

A 12-hour flight to Mexico City. I walked into the terminal and was asked to collect my baggage. As I had a connecting flight I was asked to leave the baggage on a conveyor belt. For my boarding pass, I had to go to Terminal 2 as Aero Mexico is a domestic career.ì was asking for directions and ì would get a reply in Spanish. Ì kept saying no Espanol but it didn’t make a difference. After trudging up and down terminal 1, I was asked to take the bus outside to Terminal 2. Mexico City it was which has a dubious reputation.

I had to get off at terminal 2 and head to the Aero Mexico counter. `Telling them that I was scheduled for the 9.40 flight, I waited for a reply with bated breath. 3 people there categorically told me that there is no 9.40 pm flight. It was already 8.15 pm. Then I rushed to the ticketing counter and he said there was a 9.40 flight but there are no economy class tickets so buy the business class

2021 My Year in Review

Airport Scam

Ì said why should I pay and he said to go back to terminal 1 and get a note from British Airways. I was all jitters and just then my daughter called. She was my savior and asked me to go to the ticketing guy and check the list for my name. As luck would have it, my name was there and ì was asked to run to the security check. Gate 59 was again a 2 km jog for me. ì just about made it to the flight.

Lost my Baggage

When we landed at Guadalajara, I exhaled deeply. Next, the unthinkable happened. My baggage was misplaced. As it is I was on the verge of tears as ì expected my son to receive me. But I just reported the baggage and went home. The baggage in charge, Edgar, assured me that he would find it and send it home. I reached home empty-handed. After multiple complaints to British airways, my baggage came home after 3 days. Do I need such excitement at my age? A flight of fancy.

This whole year has been a strange and disorienting experience. It has been a year of transition for me. Wish I could erase it out of my life and start with a clean slate? Sincerely, wishing that the new year will bring good tidings and be a balm to my wounds.

This is 2021 My Year in Review

For more insights in my life read Circle of life-The women in my life The woman that I am